The 15 Worst Things About Giving Blow Jobs

Even if you consider yourself someone who likes giving blow jobs, you’ve probably had some moments when you were like “not so much right now.” Here are a few BJ drawbacks you can probably relate to.

1. Even when it doesn’t take forever, it still feels like it’s taking foreverHow long have I been doing this for? Forty minutes? No? It’s only been 10? Well, in blow job minutes, that’s like an hour and a half, so I stand by my original point.

2. You’re way too aware of the weird noises your mouth is making. I sound like a kid annoyingly taking a lollipop in and out of her mouth at the grocery store. Great, now I’m thinking about kids. What is wrong with me?

3. When he starts thrusting his pelvis out of nowhere. Do not fuck my face. Do not fuck my face. I am not joking.

4. When you become aware of your gag reflex and become terrified of throwing up on his penis. OK, I have to get it far enough from the back of my throat to avoid that, but still pretty close because…wait, does this even make a difference? Could I just be up on the tip and it would feel the same? Fuck this, that’s what I’ll do.

5. Having no idea how much spit you’re supposed to be involving in this. Is it like an ocean or a puddle? Am I trying to pour a bottle of lube out of my mouth or sprinkle it like rain? Anyone? Anyone?

6. For the love of god, remember to breathe through your nose.¬†Passing out on someone’s crotch is never cute, apparently, so I really have to focus on this one. Oh shit, I just accidentally inhaled his junk. Maybe that felt good? I don’t even know anymore.

7. Having no idea what the hell to do with his balls. Do I roll them around like those stress balls people move around in their hand or something? I’ll just try that but honestly I am not confident this will work.

8. Making your mouth into a toothless chasm. Which then stretches your jaw to its maximum capacity and also makes you feel like an elderly person without dentures in. It’s super hot (no).

9. Feeling like you have to deep-throat even though you totally do not. I am not a circus performer and he probably doesn’t want me doing anything I don’t want to do anyway, and if he does want me to do something I don’t want to do, I’ll just go home and watch Friday Night Lights reruns which is all I keep thinking about during the BJ anyway.

10. Knowing for sure, without a doubt, you’re not going to come from this. I know that’s the whole thing about oral sex with either gender, but it still sucks. No pun intended, but also that’s why the word “sucks” is used to describe something not great.

11. If you’re doing it while you’re really turned on, your vag just has to wait patiently until he’s done. Sometimes you do get super turned on while going down on him, which is great, but being that close to his penis/body, and being super turned on, and not being able to do anything about it because of the solo task at hand? So hard! God, between “task at hand” and “so hard,” I am full of accidental puns right now.

12. Feeling like you have to make crazy moaning sounds while he’s coming.¬†As if your three-handed circus act that got him to come in the first place wasn’t enough. Look, if you legit want to make sounds, make sounds, but that pressure in your head telling you that you have to give him porn star moans like his jizzing is turning you on is the worst.

13. When he tells you he’s coming and you have to quickly decide if you’re going to spit or swallow. It’s like defusing a bomb and having someone ask you to pick the red wire or the blue wire, except in this case it’s more, “Should I swallow? Will he care if I don’t? Well, I guess I could. You know what? No. I don’t want to and I won’t!”

14. If you spit, having to carry a little handful of jizz to the bathroom like it’s a hurt baby bird you just rescued. “It’s going to be OK, tiny jizz ball, you’re going to a better place and that is the toilet because you are gross.”

15. If you swallow, that shit coats your throat and is also water-resistant. It really should be used as some sort of protective device for your electronics. For real.

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